i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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