Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
