I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
