I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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