how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
