Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
