i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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