She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
