Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
