The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
