you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
