I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
