I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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