I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work