it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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