our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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