I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
