i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
