I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
