Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
