You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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