I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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