Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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