Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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