I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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