I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
