I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
