apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
