Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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