yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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