if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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