i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
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She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
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She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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