I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
