Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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