Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Found your dick twin last night
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
