She told me I should be a condom model.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
