things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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