just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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