Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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