Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
