So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
