My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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