The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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