Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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