you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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