My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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