I heard we made out
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
