the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
accomplished twins. life is a go
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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