I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
