seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
How's work?
Spinning.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
