I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
