If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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