Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just threw up on my dentist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize