Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
don't judge my taste in strippers
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.