dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
