I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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