I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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